Signed in as:
filler@godaddy.com
Signed in as:
filler@godaddy.com
A thought vlog is my version of a vlog. It's a look into my day-to-day thoughts.
Instead of me showing you what I ate today, or what I did today. I'm showing you what I thought today.
If I showed you what I did on a day-to-day basis, you'd be bored to tears. But my thoughts, on the other hand, my thoughts are wild. And I am going to keep them pretty raw.
These are nonformal open conversations with myself. Journaling is my therapy. And I share my journal openly because maybe it can be therapy for you too.
Oh, and one more thing. These daily thought vlogs are usually written while fueled by emotion. Not to mention my fingers move way faster than my thoughts.
I try to proof read before I publish, but when you are reading your own work, sometimes you jump over words because there is a certain level of memorization taking place. So, I say all of that to say, my bad yo.
HOW MANY TIMES DOES SOMEONE HAVE TO HARM YOU BEFORE YOU BELIEVE THEY ARE DANGEROUS?
One thing is for certain and two things for sure, God is going to show us when we are in our own way. And no matter how many times we go through certain seasons, we are constantly getting in our own way.
I have been in the season of isolation for so long. I actually enjoy solitude. To be honest, being in total solitude is the only time that I feel safe.
I have been surrounded by so many people who have harmed me to the point that I no longer feel safe around anyone but me.
But I have to be honest about the fact that I have been an accomplice to my own harm.
You have to believe people the first time they show you who they are. And if you do not, than the harm they bring you, you aided and abetted.
If someone shows you they are capable of harming you, why do they need to show you this more than once before you believe it?
How much hurt do we need to feel before we can actually feel it?
Trust me when I tell you, hurt feels worse the second time around. So what do you think hurt feels like after the 10th time?
What does a person need to do to get you to believe that they do not want good things for you?
I am going to leave you with that thought.
I MET FAMILY MEMBERS FOR THE FIRST TIME THAT I HAVE KNOWN ALL MY LIFE
I met family members yesterday that I have known all of my life.
Have you ever had someone in your life, that you like know, well, and have known for a longtime, and realize that you don’t really know them at all?
I have said it before and I will say it again. If you want to know how someone really feels about you? All you have to do is listen to them closely when they are either drunk or mad at you.
These are the two times when you will be introduced to someone that you already know.
We tend to be introduced to the version of themselves that they want us to believe they are. And for most of us, that is the only version of them we will ever know.
But more often than not, you will find yourself in one or both of those situations where you get to meet the other version of that person. And when we do, it can be very confusing.
Human nature is very predictable.
We will have conflict with people in our lives because we are individuals with individual ways of thinking.
And there will be times when those differing ways of thinking will cause us to have conflict. I mean it's inevitable.
And this is the time that we should really pay attention.
If you are having conflict with someone who really loves you, you will know it during that conflict by how they handle you in that situation.
A conflict with someone who really loves you, is going to look like 2 people who want to resolve the conflict and move on from the space in the relationship that you are currently in.
They would be handling you with love during this time of conflict resolution.
They will seek to understand your side, and even if you guys still disagree, it will be with the understanding that although we have this issue, we can agree to disagree and move on.
Now, on the other hand. When you are in conflict with someone who does not love you, this is the time when you will meet that other person who they have been hiding.
They will bring up things that they know you find harmful. They will throw things in your face that you shared with them in confidence.
They will be reckless with the words they use while speaking to you. And they may even gaslight or lie to, and on you.
Please know, that a person who truly loves you would never handle you this was under any circumstance.
And the argument of I didn’t mean it, I was just drunk. Or I didn’t mean it, I was just mad, is bullshit.
They did mean it. They just might not have meant to say it to your face.
This is what is called, they showed who you they are, now believe them.
And once someones shows you who they truly are, you should adjust the way you handle that relationship moving forward should you decide to allow this person to remain in your life.
Yesterday, family members whom I love, and have never had issues with before, introduced me to a side of them that I didn’t know existed.
And while I am not surprised by the fact that I met a version of them that I didn’t know existed, as we all have a version of ourselves that is flawed, I am very surprised that people I love and who I thought loved me as well would want to break my spirit.
When someone loves you even when mad, they don’t fight dirty.
That is not love.That is not normal human behavior. That is dark. It is ugly. And it is dangerous for your mental health to engage in any relationship with any person that would even consider handling you like that.
Having boundaries in place is hard.
Most times, boundaries and relationships be it with friends, family, or a romantic partners usually don’t go hand and hand.
You will find that as soon as you get boundaries set most times it changes the makeup of the relationship. Hell having boundaries might even cause those relationships to end.
But I encourage you to set boundaries anyway.
And if you have already set boundaries, I encourage you to enforce them.
And once you’ve done everything you can to keep yourself safe in that relationship and it is still causing your peace to be disturbed, that is when you remove that person's access to you.
It hurts for a little, and then the peace returns. I promise. I know that my peace will be restored very soon and the hurt I am feeling now is just temporary.
I will get through this. And you can get through it too.
GOD IS STILL ON MY SIDE - THIS IS THE MESSAGE GOD KEEPS GIVING ME
Lately, it has been feeling like I am under an attack of some type.
And though I do feel like I have been a strong place where I don’t need a long time to “sit in it”, I do still need a certain level of recovery period.
And I have been needing a longer recovery period than I feel comfortable with.
My depression which has been very mild and has been very unsymptomatic for the most part for the better part of two years, has been trying to peak in on me a little bit.
And I am seeing it show up more and more in the last six to eight months, and I am pretty sure I know what is happening.
I have recently become a full-time caregiver which for me has felt a lot like becoming a new mother all over again.
But becoming a mother all over again with no prep. No one to give you “first time mom advice”, and no one to call when “shit hits the fan”. Sometimes quite literally.
And embarking on this has really taught, and is continuing to teach me a lot of lessons.
Lessons about what it's like to age. Lessons about what true support really is. And lessons about me, and how I show up to certain situations and for people, in certain situations.
THERE IS NO HUMANITY LEFT ON THIS EARTH
The thing that I hate most about having a soft heart, is that it's easy to break.
I can not open my phone and go to any app without finding something that let’s me know that there is no more humanity left in this world.
God please cover us.
Lord, please send your strongest angels to protect us.
Lord, we need you now.
Lord, we need you so much right now.
Lord, please protect my and cover my children and my husband as they go out into the world.
Please bring them home safe every time they go out into this world.
In your heavenly name I pray Lord. Amen.
I FEEL LIKE GOD IS OPENING UP HIS HANDS AND TELLING ME
"YOU'RE READY NOW"
GO AND FLY.
One thing about trusting God and his timing, he is not going to set you free to be on your way, until he knows you are ready to be on your way.
It wasn’t until I entered my 40’s that I understood the assignment that God has created me for.
And I always thought that once I understood the assignment, turning that into that “thing I did”, was going to be nothing short of pure bliss.
I was wrong.
It has been daunting. And emotionally draining. I have wanted to give up. And have tried to actually give up.
But every time I remind myself that God has this purpose for me and for those who I am going to help, it helps me get up. And get back to it.
I have a story to tell.
And there are people who need to hear my story.
I am not going to disappoint God by giving up.
I have had quite a bit of healing set backs recently.
But I am very happy how quickly I am bouncing back.
I have a long way to go. But had this happened to me even 2 or 3 years ago, I would still be very down.
But today I am back up and ready to live in, and fulfill my purpose.
God, thank you for trusting me with this delicate job. I will not let you down.
And Fronten’a, thank you for trusting you with your delicate heart. You have been handling you with so much care, kindness and love. And I am so thankful for you.
Bye for now.
THE LITTLE GIRL IN ME IS GOING TO WORK ON GETTING BACK TO MY HEALING
Today my boundary-setting skills are on level 10 and I am so proud of myself.
I got my point across, I was heard. And I felt seen today.
I will continue to pursue my healing and my peace.
The little girl in me feels affirmed by me.
Fronten'a Woodson, good work today.
I am proud of you. You are always seen. And I love you.
WHAT IS IT LIKE TO MOVE INTO ADULTHOOD AND NOT REQUIRE HEALING FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD?
I was watching a Youtube video where the creator was sharing a video from their wedding. And the part that grabbed me, was the part where the brides mother and father were standing beside her giving her away to her soon to be husband.
Wedding are emotional events in general for many reasons. But I was touched by the amount of love that was surrounding the bride.
In many of her other videos, the creator has spoken about the relationship she has with both of her parents. And watching her stand there surrounded by so much healthy love, made me feel a bit sad for me, and others like me.
What must it feel like to have been given a childhood that didn’t require trauma healing as an adult?
What must it feel like to know that you are seen?
What must it feel like to know that you are truly loved? Not loved because, I’m your parent/grandparent, of course I love you.
But to know you are loved because even if you were never told, you would still know that because you have been shown that.
I wish I knew what it felt like to not have grown up with my elders putting me against each other. I grew up hearing my mother tell me that the grandmother I loved so dearly, tried to force her to abort me. And when she didn’t, she as a teenage mother was kicked out of the house.
And I also wish I knew what it felt like to never have had to experience my mother tell me that she in fact also wish she had aborted me.
My father is no longer with me, so I am not going to bring up trauma that I can never get healing from because he is no longer here. But I wish I knew what unconditional love from an elder felt like.
I have done so much self/inner work on myself. I put to rest all of my childhood traumas...I thought.
I put to rest, all of my feelings of invalidation...I thought.
I was making good progress in making sure I was seen, and my voice and my story was heard. And this one is not an, “I thought’. This is something that I know.
And lastly, I had to put to bed all the heartache I felt from not having my God assigned elders, see me. Hear me. Know me. Acknowledge me. And validate me.
And the healing that took me years to achieve, was undone in a matter of months by my closest elder.
The healing will start again. And healing will be found again.
BEING FIRST HAS ENSURED THAT I WILL ALWAYS BE LAST
I am the oldest of my mother's 9 children.
I am the oldest of my father's 3 children.
I am the oldest grandchild of my maternal grandmother's 13 grandchildren.
I am the first born.
And when you are the first born, the level of responsibility that falls onto your plate is unmeasureable.
I am the first one who is called when something in our family has gone wrong.
I am the first one who is called when someone is going through something.
I am the first one who is called when our family is in need of guidance or advice.
I am simply always the first one who is called for everything.
Being born first, means that I am always first in line for the responsibility.
And being born first also means I am always last in line for help when I need it.
I am last to be checked on.
I am last to be asked if I am okay.
I am last to be offered help.
I am last to be shown compassion.
I am always last because I was born first.
I am going to continue to work on making sure that I make me first.
But constantly
being reminded that I am last, is wearing me down.
IT'S NOT MY JOB AS THE CHILD TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO BE LOVED BY MY PARENT
It's not my job as the child to figure out how to be loved by my parent.
It's your job as the parent to figure how to love me as the child.
I am both a mother and a child. I have children who I am responsible to love.
And I have parents who are responsible to love me.
I have never thought to myself, hey kids, if you want to feel loved by me, then you need to figure out how to make that happen.
We have spent too much time selling the idea of, well this is the way my parents did it.
This is how I was raised.And my favorite, just get over it. You need to toughen up.
It is not the responsibility of your children to figure it out.
The person or persons who needs to figure it out, is you, the parent.
Just because you have been teaching the same emotionally immature parenting style that was taught to you
That doesn't mean that you can't break that toxic parenting style, and decide to be the parent that you didn't have.
There is no such thing as a generational curse.
What that actually is is a generational habit. And a bad one at that.
Bad habits are meant to be broken. And a new emotionally mature way of parenting can be the way things are done for generations to come.
You can be the change.
When you know better. You do better.
So now you know.
I DID MY BEST. I TRIED MY HARDEST. AND NOW, I AM DONE
So caregiving, yeah. Ummm, it's a bitch!
I did my best. I tried my hardest. And now, I am done.
Boundaries have literally made all the difference in a very big decision I had to make tonight.
Boundaries prepared me for this situation to be able to walk away from this knowing, this decision was basically made for me.
I feel like I put in writing what I needed.
I advised in writing what I needed.
I spoke about it again briefly on the fact that my boundaries were still not being respected.
And then I was able to enforce my boundaries in a way that made it clear for me, that I did everything that I could to make a situation work that just could no longer work.
One thing I have struggled with my entire life is allowing people to accuse me of shifting who I was when my no finally meant no.
I can't lie. Most of my life my no meant, sort of, maybe later. Or kind of, a little bit, not right now.
But my no never meant no.
Even when the no was set firm and was no, I would allow others to shift my standing and I would waver.
I'm an emotional person. Even if my mind meant no, my heart always felt sad about it.
And the problem with growth is, the people who used to know you when you didn't have boundaries set, will judge and despise you once you do.
Boundaries gave me strength when I needed it. At 44 I am so proud of where I am.
Boundaries gave me permission to focus on me. Boundaries gave me permission to put me first.
Boundaries gave me the okay to say, Fronten'a you did your best. You tired your hardest. And now it's okay for you to be done.
Boundaries are protection for you. Let them boundaries do their job.
I struggled writing this thought vlog entry. So I am going to stop now and go to bed.
Fronten'a, job well done. Good night for now.
I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I SEE YOU
One thing I know for sure is when there is no smoke to be found, people who want to see you fail will try and create the smoke so there is always a cloud of mess and confusion that is always surrounding you.
When I say my village has no elders, I say that for a reason. And that reason is because my village literally has no elders.
Your elder is biggest supporter. They are the one who fights your battles with you when you need, and without you, and for you, when you can't.
They are pure love. And even when they make mistakes that effect you, it's never coming from a place of intent to harm you.
And although the harm is not intentional, the correction always is.
Eveything an elder does is done from a place of love.
I haven't had a elder sit in that position for me in a very long time.
I had a aunt that was saying she was a fill-in, but it has become clear to me recently that she is not that. At all!
I am not surprised that her true feelings towards me have been revealed as she has shown this to me on so many levels, multiple times as I was growing up. Particularly in my early adulthood.
But I guess since I have been so starved of the love of an elder, I was desperate to have someone in my corner.
But I'm glad she keeps showing herself to be anything but capable of handling me the way I need.
That hurts me a bit. It actually hurts me a lot. But this is life.
The why my aunt has continued to change on me, is beyond my understanding. But what I do understand, is that I see you.
I see you for what you have pretended to be. And I see you for what you actually are.
Thank you for continuing to show me. I still love you. And I always will, but do know that I see you.
I STOOD UP FOR MYSELF AND MY BOUNDARIES
So to follow up what happened with my grandmother yesterday morning. After I closed out my thought vlog here, I wrote a letter to my grandmother, after which I sat dow and read it to her.
This entry is not about her or her response. Actually, yesterdays wasn't either. They were both about me, and how I handled that interaction. And after thinking about it more, I am proud of myself for how I handled it.
At first I was upset that I didn't initially respond to her action immediately. My initial reaction was to retreat and become emotional.
I didn't address anything with her in that moment, I felt like I handled like 14-year-old Fronten'a would have handled it. And not like confident adult Fronten'a would have. Which then made me a little disappointed in myself.
But once I thought back on it. It was actually a good thing that I retreated. I was mad at her. I was feeling very much like I didn't want to caregive for her anymore. And anything that I would have said in that moment would have reflected the anger I was feeling.
I want to move through 2023 using my rational mind much more than I use my emotional mind. And reacting from that place in the moment would have been my emotional mind reacting.
Not only did a cool-off period actually make all the difference in how the conversation played out, but it actually opened to door to a much deeper over-due conversation that offered us both a lot of insight.
But also, I am a writer. I address everything through writing. I don't have tough conversations off the cuff.
I need to sort out my thoughts. I need to be allowed to have the conversation with myself first. And writing allows that.
Well I won't drag this out any longer.. Here is the letter I wrote and read to my grandmother.
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THIS IS MY BOUNDARY | AND YOU RESPECTING IT IS NOT UP FOR DEBATE
I want to start this article with love. Grandmother, I love you. My love for you is boundless, and eternal.
No disagreement or misunderstanding will ever stop me from loving you, or looking after you.
This conversation, no matter how upset it makes me will do nothing to change that fact.
Now, this conversation is also not up for discussion. I am not asking for your opinion on these thoughts. And I am not interested in having a conversation about what I am about to say.
This morning, how you handled me was unacceptable. Not unacceptable because you had a request of me. But unacceptable because my no was not respected.
I made it clear in that conversation that what you were asking of me was not an option. And not only did you not respect that boundary, but you insulted me by calling me names, and then told me what I was doing to protect me was wrong of me.
Now boundaries do not prevent someone from doing whatever they feel. Boundaries do not make someone see things from you point of view.
Boundaries are there to keep the person who set them safe from harm.
If I tell you that I am not going to do something. Whether I give you an explanation or not, my no means no.
No is not a word for debate or a negotiation. No is no.
You have been the single most influential person in my life where elders are concerned.
My entire life, has been about seeking validation from you.
I have gone my entire life hoping that what I am doing in life, is or will, one day, make you proud of me. And very few times, have I actually felt that they have.
The small child me, was always breakable under your opinion of me. My second suicide attempt was because of how you handled me only because you were mad at me.
I told myself then, that I will no longer allow anyone access to my heart in a way that could jeopardize my mental health and physical safety. And I have worked hard on doing the self work to make sure that this is so.
Although when it comes to you, I will always be that little girl who seeks your validation. I am also now a grown woman who can still prosper if I never get it.
I am the single person who has lovingly dedicated my life to ensuring you are being cared for properly. And I will do so until the day either one of us takes our last breath.
But no, means no. No is never going to be something that I will negotiate about, with anyone.
You don’t have to agree with my boundaries. You don’t even have to like my boundaries. But you do have to respect them.
To not respect my boundaries, means I need to place a higher level of protection around myself.
Anyone who handles me has to handle me with care, kindness and love. Or I do not allow them to handle me at all.
My boundaries are firm and follow me where ever I go. And my boundaries apply to every single person in my life.
I love you. I will not speak about respecting my boundaries again.
If you would like to talk about why I have such firm boundaries set more in depth in the future, we can. But not today.
I MET FAMILY MEMBERS FOR THE FIRST TIME THAT I HAVE KNOWN ALL MY LIFE
I met family members yesterday that I have known all of my life.
Have you ever had someone in your life, that you like know, well, and have known for a longtime, and realize that you don’t really know them at all?
I have said it before and I will say it again. If you want to know how someone really feels about you? All you have to do is listen to them closely when they are either drunk or mad at you.
These are the two times when you will be introduced to someone that you already know.
We tend to be introduced to the version of themselves that they want us to believe they are. And for most of us, that is the only version of them we will ever know.
But more often than not, you will find yourself in one or both of those situations where you get to meet the other version of that person. And when we do, it can be very confusing.
Human nature is very predictable.
We will have conflict with people in our lives because we are individuals with individual ways of thinking.
And there will be times when those differing ways of thinking will cause us to have conflict. I mean it's inevitable.
And this is the time that we should really pay attention.
If you are having conflict with someone who really loves you, you will know it during that conflict by how they handle you in that situation.
A conflict with someone who really loves you, is going to look like 2 people who want to resolve the conflict and move on from the space in the relationship that you are currently in.
They would be handling you with love during this time of conflict resolution.
They will seek to understand your side, and even if you guys still disagree, it will be with the understanding that although we have this issue, we can agree to disagree and move on.
Now, on the other hand. When you are in conflict with someone who does not love you, this is the time when you will meet that other person who they have been hiding.
They will bring up things that they know you find harmful. They will throw things in your face that you shared with them in confidence.
They will be reckless with the words they use while speaking to you. And they may even gaslight or lie to, and on you.
Please know, that a person who truly loves you would never handle you this was under any circumstance.
And the argument of I didn’t mean it, I was just drunk. Or I didn’t mean it, I was just mad, is bullshit.
They did mean it. They just might not have meant to say it to your face.
This is what is called, they showed who you they are, now believe them.
And once someones shows you who they truly are, you should adjust the way you handle that relationship moving forward should you decide to allow this person to remain in your life.
Yesterday, family members whom I love, and have never had issues with before, introduced me to a side of them that I didn’t know existed.
And while I am not surprised by the fact that I met a version of them that I didn’t know existed, as we all have a version of ourselves that is flawed, I am very surprised that people I love and who I thought loved me as well would want to break my spirit.
When someone loves you even when mad, they don’t fight dirty.
That is not love.That is not normal human behavior. That is dark. It is ugly. And it is dangerous for your mental health to engage in any relationship with any person that would even consider handling you like that.
Having boundaries in place is hard.
Most times, boundaries and relationships be it with friends, family, or a romantic partners usually don’t go hand and hand.
You will find that as soon as you get boundaries set most times it changes the makeup of the relationship. Hell having boundaries might even cause those relationships to end.
But I encourage you to set boundaries anyway.
And if you have already set boundaries, I encourage you to enforce them.
And once you’ve done everything you can to keep yourself safe in that relationship and it is still causing your peace to be disturbed, that is when you remove that person's access to you.
It hurts for a little, and then the peace returns. I promise. I know that my peace will be restored very soon and the hurt I am feeling now is just temporary.
I will get through this. And you can get through it too.
I MET FAMILY MEMBERS FOR THE FIRST TIME THAT I HAVE KNOWN ALL MY LIFE
I met family members yesterday that I have known all of my life.
Have you ever had someone in your life, that you like know, well, and have known for a longtime, and realize that you don’t really know them at all?
I have said it before and I will say it again. If you want to know how someone really feels about you? All you have to do is listen to them closely when they are either drunk or mad at you.
These are the two times when you will be introduced to someone that you already know.
We tend to be introduced to the version of themselves that they want us to believe they are. And for most of us, that is the only version of them we will ever know.
But more often than not, you will find yourself in one or both of those situations where you get to meet the other version of that person. And when we do, it can be very confusing.
Human nature is very predictable.
We will have conflict with people in our lives because we are individuals with individual ways of thinking.
And there will be times when those differing ways of thinking will cause us to have conflict. I mean it's inevitable.
And this is the time that we should really pay attention.
If you are having conflict with someone who really loves you, you will know it during that conflict by how they handle you in that situation.
A conflict with someone who really loves you, is going to look like 2 people who want to resolve the conflict and move on from the space in the relationship that you are currently in.
They would be handling you with love during this time of conflict resolution.
They will seek to understand your side, and even if you guys still disagree, it will be with the understanding that although we have this issue, we can agree to disagree and move on.
Now, on the other hand. When you are in conflict with someone who does not love you, this is the time when you will meet that other person who they have been hiding.
They will bring up things that they know you find harmful. They will throw things in your face that you shared with them in confidence.
They will be reckless with the words they use while speaking to you. And they may even gaslight or lie to, and on you.
Please know, that a person who truly loves you would never handle you this was under any circumstance.
And the argument of I didn’t mean it, I was just drunk. Or I didn’t mean it, I was just mad, is bullshit.
They did mean it. They just might not have meant to say it to your face.
This is what is called, they showed who you they are, now believe them.
And once someones shows you who they truly are, you should adjust the way you handle that relationship moving forward should you decide to allow this person to remain in your life.
Yesterday, family members whom I love, and have never had issues with before, introduced me to a side of them that I didn’t know existed.
And while I am not surprised by the fact that I met a version of them that I didn’t know existed, as we all have a version of ourselves that is flawed, I am very surprised that people I love and who I thought loved me as well would want to break my spirit.
When someone loves you even when mad, they don’t fight dirty.
That is not love.That is not normal human behavior. That is dark. It is ugly. And it is dangerous for your mental health to engage in any relationship with any person that would even consider handling you like that.
Having boundaries in place is hard.
Most times, boundaries and relationships be it with friends, family, or a romantic partners usually don’t go hand and hand.
You will find that as soon as you get boundaries set most times it changes the makeup of the relationship. Hell having boundaries might even cause those relationships to end.
But I encourage you to set boundaries anyway.
And if you have already set boundaries, I encourage you to enforce them.
And once you’ve done everything you can to keep yourself safe in that relationship and it is still causing your peace to be disturbed, that is when you remove that person's access to you.
It hurts for a little, and then the peace returns. I promise. I know that my peace will be restored very soon and the hurt I am feeling now is just temporary.
I will get through this. And you can get through it too.
GOD IS STILL ON MY SIDE - THIS IS THE MESSAGE GOD KEEPS GIVING ME
Lately, it has been feeling like I am under an attack of some type.
And though I do feel like I have been a strong place where I don’t need a long time to “sit in it”, I do still need a certain level of recovery period.
And I have been needing a longer recovery period than I feel comfortable with.
My depression which has been very mild and has been very unsymptomatic for the most part for the better part of two years, has been trying to peak in on me a little bit.
And I am seeing it show up more and more in the last six to eight months, and I am pretty sure I know what is happening.
I have recently become a full-time caregiver which for me has felt a lot like becoming a new mother all over again.
But becoming a mother all over again with no prep. No one to give you “first time mom advice”, and no one to call when “shit hits the fan”. Sometimes quite literally.
And embarking on this has really taught, and is continuing to teach me a lot of lessons.
Lessons about what it's like to age. Lessons about what true support really is. And lessons about me, and how I show up to certain situations and for people, in certain situations.
THERE IS NO HUMANITY LEFT ON THIS EARTH
The thing that I hate most about having a soft heart, is that it's easy to break.
I can not open my phone and go to any app without finding something that let’s me know that there is no more humanity left in this world.
God please cover us.
Lord, please send your strongest angels to protect us.
Lord, we need you now.
Lord, we need you so much right now.
Lord, please protect my and cover my children and my husband as they go out into the world.
Please bring them home safe every time they go out into this world.
In your heavenly name I pray Lord. Amen.
I FEEL LIKE GOD IS OPENING UP HIS HANDS AND TELLING ME
"YOU'RE READY NOW"
GO AND FLY.
One thing about trusting God and his timing, he is not going to set you free to be on your way, until he knows you are ready to be on your way.
It wasn’t until I entered my 40’s that I understood the assignment that God has created me for.
And I always thought that once I understood the assignment, turning that into that “thing I did”, was going to be nothing short of pure bliss.
I was wrong.
It has been daunting. And emotionally draining. I have wanted to give up. And have tried to actually give up.
But every time I remind myself that God has this purpose for me and for those who I am going to help, it helps me get up. And get back to it.
I have a story to tell.
And there are people who need to hear my story.
I am not going to disappoint God by giving up.
I have had quite a bit of healing set backs recently.
But I am very happy how quickly I am bouncing back.
I have a long way to go. But had this happened to me even 2 or 3 years ago, I would still be very down.
But today I am back up and ready to live in, and fulfill my purpose.
God, thank you for trusting me with this delicate job. I will not let you down.
And Fronten’a, thank you for trusting you with your delicate heart. You have been handling you with so much care, kindness and love. And I am so thankful for you.
Bye for now.
THE LITTLE GIRL IN ME IS GOING TO WORK ON GETTING BACK TO MY HEALING
Today my boundary-setting skills are on level 10 and I am so proud of myself.
I got my point across, I was heard. And I felt seen today.
I will continue to pursue my healing and my peace.
The little girl in me feels affirmed by me.
Fronten'a Woodson, good work today.
I am proud of you. You are always seen. And I love you.
WHAT IS IT LIKE TO MOVE INTO ADULTHOOD AND NOT REQUIRE HEALING FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD?
I was watching a Youtube video where the creator was sharing a video from their wedding. And the part that grabbed me, was the part where the brides mother and father were standing beside her giving her away to her soon to be husband.
Wedding are emotional events in general for many reasons. But I was touched by the amount of love that was surrounding the bride.
In many of her other videos, the creator has spoken about the relationship she has with both of her parents. And watching her stand there surrounded by so much healthy love, made me feel a bit sad for me, and others like me.
What must it feel like to have been given a childhood that didn’t require trauma healing as an adult?
What must it feel like to know that you are seen?
What must it feel like to know that you are truly loved? Not loved because, I’m your parent/grandparent, of course I love you.
But to know you are loved because even if you were never told, you would still know that because you have been shown that.
I wish I knew what it felt like to not have grown up with my elders putting me against each other. I grew up hearing my mother tell me that the grandmother I loved so dearly, tried to force her to abort me. And when she didn’t, she as a teenage mother was kicked out of the house.
And I also wish I knew what it felt like to never have had to experience my mother tell me that she in fact also wish she had aborted me.
My father is no longer with me, so I am not going to bring up trauma that I can never get healing from because he is no longer here. But I wish I knew what unconditional love from an elder felt like.
I have done so much self/inner work on myself. I put to rest all of my childhood traumas...I thought.
I put to rest, all of my feelings of invalidation...I thought.
I was making good progress in making sure I was seen, and my voice and my story was heard. And this one is not an, “I thought’. This is something that I know.
And lastly, I had to put to bed all the heartache I felt from not having my God assigned elders, see me. Hear me. Know me. Acknowledge me. And validate me.
And the healing that took me years to achieve, was undone in a matter of months by my closest elder.
The healing will start again. And healing will be found again.
BEING FIRST HAS ENSURED THAT I WILL ALWAYS BE LAST
I am the oldest of my mother's 9 children.
I am the oldest of my father's 3 children.
I am the oldest grandchild of my maternal grandmother's 13 grandchildren.
I am the first born.
And when you are the first born, the level of responsibility that falls onto your plate is unmeasureable.
I am the first one who is called when something in our family has gone wrong.
I am the first one who is called when someone is going through something.
I am the first one who is called when our family is in need of guidance or advice.
I am simply always the first one who is called for everything.
Being born first, means that I am always first in line for the responsibility.
And being born first also means I am always last in line for help when I need it.
I am last to be checked on.
I am last to be asked if I am okay.
I am last to be offered help.
I am last to be shown compassion.
I am always last because I was born first.
I am going to continue to work on making sure that I make me first.
But constantly
being reminded that I am last, is wearing me down.
IT'S NOT MY JOB AS THE CHILD TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO BE LOVED BY MY PARENT
It's not my job as the child to figure out how to be loved by my parent.
It's your job as the parent to figure how to love me as the child.
I am both a mother and a child. I have children who I am responsible to love.
And I have parents who are responsible to love me.
I have never thought to myself, hey kids, if you want to feel loved by me, then you need to figure out how to make that happen.
We have spent too much time selling the idea of, well this is the way my parents did it.
This is how I was raised.And my favorite, just get over it. You need to toughen up.
It is not the responsibility of your children to figure it out.
The person or persons who needs to figure it out, is you, the parent.
Just because you have been teaching the same emotionally immature parenting style that was taught to you
That doesn't mean that you can't break that toxic parenting style, and decide to be the parent that you didn't have.
There is no such thing as a generational curse.
What that actually is is a generational habit. And a bad one at that.
Bad habits are meant to be broken. And a new emotionally mature way of parenting can be the way things are done for generations to come.
You can be the change.
When you know better. You do better.
So now you know.
I DID MY BEST. I TRIED MY HARDEST. AND NOW, I AM DONE
So caregiving, yeah. Ummm, it's a bitch!
I did my best. I tried my hardest. And now, I am done.
Boundaries have literally made all the difference in a very big decision I had to make tonight.
Boundaries prepared me for this situation to be able to walk away from this knowing, this decision was basically made for me.
I feel like I put in writing what I needed.
I advised in writing what I needed.
I spoke about it again briefly on the fact that my boundaries were still not being respected.
And then I was able to enforce my boundaries in a way that made it clear for me, that I did everything that I could to make a situation work that just could no longer work.
One thing I have struggled with my entire life is allowing people to accuse me of shifting who I was when my no finally meant no.
I can't lie. Most of my life my no meant, sort of, maybe later. Or kind of, a little bit, not right now.
But my no never meant no.
Even when the no was set firm and was no, I would allow others to shift my standing and I would waver.
I'm an emotional person. Even if my mind meant no, my heart always felt sad about it.
And the problem with growth is, the people who used to know you when you didn't have boundaries set, will judge and despise you once you do.
Boundaries gave me strength when I needed it. At 44 I am so proud of where I am.
Boundaries gave me permission to focus on me. Boundaries gave me permission to put me first.
Boundaries gave me the okay to say, Fronten'a you did your best. You tired your hardest. And now it's okay for you to be done.
Boundaries are protection for you. Let them boundaries do their job.
I struggled writing this thought vlog entry. So I am going to stop now and go to bed.
Fronten'a, job well done. Good night for now.
I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I SEE YOU
One thing I know for sure is when there is no smoke to be found, people who want to see you fail will try and create the smoke so there is always a cloud of mess and confusion that is always surrounding you.
When I say my village has no elders, I say that for a reason. And that reason is because my village literally has no elders.
Your elder is biggest supporter. They are the one who fights your battles with you when you need, and without you, and for you, when you can't.
They are pure love. And even when they make mistakes that effect you, it's never coming from a place of intent to harm you.
And although the harm is not intentional, the correction always is.
Eveything an elder does is done from a place of love.
I haven't had a elder sit in that position for me in a very long time.
I had a aunt that was saying she was a fill-in, but it has become clear to me recently that she is not that. At all!
I am not surprised that her true feelings towards me have been revealed as she has shown this to me on so many levels, multiple times as I was growing up. Particularly in my early adulthood.
But I guess since I have been so starved of the love of an elder, I was desperate to have someone in my corner.
But I'm glad she keeps showing herself to be anything but capable of handling me the way I need.
That hurts me a bit. It actually hurts me a lot. But this is life.
The why my aunt has continued to change on me, is beyond my understanding. But what I do understand, is that I see you.
I see you for what you have pretended to be. And I see you for what you actually are.
Thank you for continuing to show me. I still love you. And I always will, but do know that I see you.
I STOOD UP FOR MYSELF AND MY BOUNDARIES
So to follow up what happened with my grandmother yesterday morning. After I closed out my thought vlog here, I wrote a letter to my grandmother, after which I sat dow and read it to her.
This entry is not about her or her response. Actually, yesterdays wasn't either. They were both about me, and how I handled that interaction. And after thinking about it more, I am proud of myself for how I handled it.
At first I was upset that I didn't initially respond to her action immediately. My initial reaction was to retreat and become emotional.
I didn't address anything with her in that moment, I felt like I handled like 14-year-old Fronten'a would have handled it. And not like confident adult Fronten'a would have. Which then made me a little disappointed in myself.
But once I thought back on it. It was actually a good thing that I retreated. I was mad at her. I was feeling very much like I didn't want to caregive for her anymore. And anything that I would have said in that moment would have reflected the anger I was feeling.
I want to move through 2023 using my rational mind much more than I use my emotional mind. And reacting from that place in the moment would have been my emotional mind reacting.
Not only did a cool-off period actually make all the difference in how the conversation played out, but it actually opened to door to a much deeper over-due conversation that offered us both a lot of insight.
But also, I am a writer. I address everything through writing. I don't have tough conversations off the cuff.
I need to sort out my thoughts. I need to be allowed to have the conversation with myself first. And writing allows that.
Well I won't drag this out any longer.. Here is the letter I wrote and read to my grandmother.
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THIS IS MY BOUNDARY | AND YOU RESPECTING IT IS NOT UP FOR DEBATE
I want to start this article with love. Grandmother, I love you. My love for you is boundless, and eternal.
No disagreement or misunderstanding will ever stop me from loving you, or looking after you.
This conversation, no matter how upset it makes me will do nothing to change that fact.
Now, this conversation is also not up for discussion. I am not asking for your opinion on these thoughts. And I am not interested in having a conversation about what I am about to say.
This morning, how you handled me was unacceptable. Not unacceptable because you had a request of me. But unacceptable because my no was not respected.
I made it clear in that conversation that what you were asking of me was not an option. And not only did you not respect that boundary, but you insulted me by calling me names, and then told me what I was doing to protect me was wrong of me.
Now boundaries do not prevent someone from doing whatever they feel. Boundaries do not make someone see things from you point of view.
Boundaries are there to keep the person who set them safe from harm.
If I tell you that I am not going to do something. Whether I give you an explanation or not, my no means no.
No is not a word for debate or a negotiation. No is no.
You have been the single most influential person in my life where elders are concerned.
My entire life, has been about seeking validation from you.
I have gone my entire life hoping that what I am doing in life, is or will, one day, make you proud of me. And very few times, have I actually felt that they have.
The small child me, was always breakable under your opinion of me. My second suicide attempt was because of how you handled me only because you were mad at me.
I told myself then, that I will no longer allow anyone access to my heart in a way that could jeopardize my mental health and physical safety. And I have worked hard on doing the self work to make sure that this is so.
Although when it comes to you, I will always be that little girl who seeks your validation. I am also now a grown woman who can still prosper if I never get it.
I am the single person who has lovingly dedicated my life to ensuring you are being cared for properly. And I will do so until the day either one of us takes our last breath.
But no, means no. No is never going to be something that I will negotiate about, with anyone.
You don’t have to agree with my boundaries. You don’t even have to like my boundaries. But you do have to respect them.
To not respect my boundaries, means I need to place a higher level of protection around myself.
Anyone who handles me has to handle me with care, kindness and love. Or I do not allow them to handle me at all.
My boundaries are firm and follow me where ever I go. And my boundaries apply to every single person in my life.
I love you. I will not speak about respecting my boundaries again.
If you would like to talk about why I have such firm boundaries set more in depth in the future, we can. But not today.
I DON'T CARE WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND ME - I AM GOING TO CONTINUE TO STAND FIRM IN MY BOUNDARIES. AND I WILL CONTINUE TO WORK ON NOT EXPLAINING MY NO!
I am proud of myself, but also disappointed in myself that this morning my grandmother tried to overstep and disrespect my boundaries, and I almost let her.
So this morning my grandmother who I am a fulltime caregiver for really tried to press and issue, and though I said no, and stood firm in my no, I found myself explaining my no more time than I should I have.
I finally had to let her know that my no is no, and that I was done explaining myself. But I'm disappointed that I spent more than 20 minutes getting to that point.
I even allowed her to dismiss me in not only having a boundary set, but in me even using the word boundary, and instead of standing ten toes down and letting her know that she was out of line. I got emotional and walked away.
And even thought I needed to walk away in that moment I feel like I should have walked back into that conversation and made it clear what I needed to do for myself. How I was going to handle any situation similar to that moving forward. And that her disrespecting my boundary was not acceptable.
Actually, as I am saying this to myself, it just hit me that I need to go back in and defend and uphold my boundary.
So I am going to end this conversation with me, and start that conversation with her.
Be back soon.
YESTERDAY I STAYED IN BED ALL DAY AND THAT'S ONE OF THE BEST THINGS I DID FOR MYSELF IN A VERY LONG TIME
So yesterday I stayed in bed all day and rested. And it happened to be one of the best things that I did for myself in a very long time.
I slept a better part of the day. And I needed it.
The night before that, I had to face some tough realizations, and my mind, body and soul, needed some me time to recover.
And mind, body and soul, got that time.
Today I am back in my office, and back on my grind.
I am so close to seeing my hard work being not only just my passion, and my purpose. But also my source of income, and a good one at that.
God, just another reminder. I am ready for my overflow, when ever you are.
TTFN which also needs, ta ta for now.
THERE NEVER SEEMS TO BE ENOUGH MONEY
Bruh, the struggle. The struggle has been long-lasting. And living in a pretty constant state of struggle is really something that I am over.
My son's tuition due, as per usual, don't have it.
I...am...exhausted.
My husband is working so hard to provide for us.
I am working so hard to build my business. But the financial struggle is still hanging on to my family for dear life.
God is and has always been our provider. And just like every other financial situation we have been in, God will see us through.
But anytime God is ready to see us into that good old abundance lifestyle, we will be here and be ready.
God, thank you for continuing to provide for us. God, I promise I will continue to work hard and remain in my purpose.
And God, I am ready to receive that abundance lifestyle whenever you are.
Sincerly, your humble servant. Fronten'a.
Bye for now guys!
I WILL CONTINUE TO WORK ON MYSELF NO MATTER WHAT
This morning was not off to the best start. Today is the first day that my kids went back to school since being on Winter break. And as much as I tried to prepare and be more organized so that our mornings could go more smoothly, it was still a shit show.
Over the weekend, I worked on my business. I have been doing a total home makeover over the last couple of months. And I have been really working on being more on top of my 3 younger kids. Oh and did I mention that I have also become the fulltime care-giver for to grandmother?
Why is this important? It's important because my plate is absolutely full. And when our plates are full, and we feel depleted, it is very important that we refill often.
I have always been of the mindset that I will take care of me when I can get a free moment.
Well the thing is, there is never enough time for me to be there for me. And if I want to be there for me, I have to make time for me. And if that's hard, then I have to TAKE time for me.
I have to continue to work on me. And I will continue to work on me.
In the past when my plate was full, (sidenote-it has never not be full) I would put me behind everyone else. Those days are no more.
Moving forward, I will always put me and my needs above everything and everyone.
That might sound selfish. And to be honest, it is.
But being selfless for long periods of time is dangerous. Being harmlessly selfish is good for us.
As I said before I am a giver. I feel most alive when I am being of service to others. But how hypocritical am I being if I am being of service to everyone, everyone but...me?
Taking time to look after me, and taking time to refill me, is a wellness selfishness that I will prioritize moving forward.
It's good for me. And it's good for those I am responsible for.
An empty me, is bad. :( A refilled me, is good. :)
Everyone around me better get used to a refilled me.
It might not be fun hearing me say no for the first time. But "
Bye for now!
THERE IS SIMPLY NOT ENOUGH TIME IN THE DAY
I don't have a whole lot to say today. I am exhausted. And to be honest, I am a bit bitter today.
I am in this phase of,I am tired of being needed. Not in the direct sense, but just everyone needing me to do something.
I am going to keep working on making me the priority. But there are those days when I don't do the best at that.
Today was tough. But God willing, I will have another chance to get it right tomorrow.
I am really entering into my selfish phase. And I can't wait until I have a system that works where there is a balance of me putting me at the forefront of everything I do, while also still managing my responsibilities properly.
Good Night for now.
FEELING VERY INSPIRED AND OVERWHELMED WITH JOY THAT MY BUSINESS IS STARTING TO REALLY SHOW THE FRUITS OF MY LABOR
Good morning y'all
I woke up this morning feeling so inspired to keep working and growing.
I am in year two of action. But My Village Has No Elders has been in the making for 3 years.
I took a year to study, and to learn. And once I felt that I had consumed enough information to at least get started, I did.
Starting a business or anything really that is new to you, takes times to learn. Takes time to grow. And takes time to become a profitable business.
And after three years, of blood, literal sweat, and tears. I am starting to get more traction, and for real, for real growth.
I am going to keep it short because I need to finish up the last video for this week, and hopefully get it up today. But gratitude is pouring out of me. And I needed to write about it.
Oh, before I go. I wanted to say that I have been praying, and I mean praying heavy for God to let me know that I was on the right path because I no longer desire to do anything that God has not designed for me.
If you know anything about entrepreneurship, the trials and tribulations can lead you to believe that this is not what God has for you.
But with the support of a few, and I do mean a few. I mean like, 1 or 2 people. I have been able to keep going.
And really quick, while I am on the topic of those few, my oldest son Demetrius has been my constant, day one supporter.
He's probably actually the only person reading this.
But anyhow, this journey has had me questioning many times if this is even what God wants for me.
But I prayed, and listened for God to lead me, and he kept sending me messages that I needed to keep going. And I did. And it's starting to show that this is indeed what God has desingd for me. And it feels so good.
Well I'm going to get going for now. But glory be to God.
Thank you God for being with me through this entire journey.
And thank you Demetrius for being your mommas constant supporter since my very first article, and to this very day.
You are my best support person, and I will never forget that. I love you baby boy.
See y'all again in a bit.
WHAT A PRODUCTIVE DAY
Good morning, good afternoon, and good evening. My apologies that I am only just now dropping in to say hello.
Saturday is my posting day, and I be booked and busy on Saturdays.
This is going to be a pretty short thought vlog.
I am just so proud of myself, and where I am with my business, my mental health. And getting and keeping my boundaries set.
It's like having my boundaries in place, and reinforcing them when I need to has really given me a voice.
I have gone my whole life feeling invisible. And I have spent the better part of a decade trying to figure out why I felt this way. And how to fix it.
But it has recently occurred to me that he reason I felt that way was because I didn't have a voice.
And the reason I didn't have a voice was because I allowed it to be silenced by people around me.
I no longer do that. And now not only do I have a voice, I feel like I have a big voice.
I am so proud of the me I am right now. And the me I am continuing to become.
Fronten'a Woodson, I am so proud of the you, you are becoming. And I can't wait to meet the you, you will continue to become.
NO ONE IS ENTITLED TO MY PEACE
Man today was good until the night turned around, and not for the good what so ever.
So my 15 year old son came back from his fathers house and I was so excited to go to the airport and pick him up. I won't go much into that because this thought vlog really has nothing to do with that.
The moral of that part of the story is that is has been a very busy day and when I came home thinking I was going to get back to working on my business and get back into the rest of my evening, I was reminded that no matter how much I do for every
one else, there is always going to be something or someone that feels as though they are entitled to me. Entitled to my time. And entitled to my peace.
I almost reverted back into the oldFronten'a that I long since outgrew.The Fronten'a that would crumble under certain pressures.
I gave myself a few minutes, well more life 25 minutes to regroup. To gather myself, also to feel what I was feeling. Then I got right back to it.
I am so proud of myself because instead of feeling like I needed to shut down, I bossed up.
So now I am clear that I need to create more clear expectations of what I can do, and what I won't do.
Fronten'a you matter. Fronten'a your needs matter. Fronten'a you happiness matters. And most importantly , Fronten'a you peace is yours. And you have every right to protect it.
So the next step is I'm about to type up a printout of my availability so everyone knows when I have time to pour into others. And when I blocking out time to pour into me.
I will be back before bed to tell you guys how it went.
Bye for now.
I NO LONGER CARE ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS | I GOT MY OWN | GET SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT
Good morning.
I woke up this morning feeling very inspired to work, but also very frustrated with my family.
I have recently become my grandmother's full-time care giver and since then, my family has shown me that no one does what they say they are going to do.
I have had a lot of situations in life where I was shown that life is pretty much going to be me, myself and I. And at my big age of 44, I actually prefer it that way.
One thing about me, I know I am always going to do the work of making sure I am good. And knowing that I got me, is something that really helps me feel safe.
That being said. When an elder who has been there for a lot of the people in her village, suddenly has no one in hers is also pretty infuriating.
My grandmother has been with me day in and day out for over 4 months, and in 4 months she has had almost no visitors. She has children and grandchildren whose lives she has been very much a part of, and no one is checking in on her. And what's more, caregiving is a big job. And no one is checking in to see how they can help me in caregiving with her either.
My aunt, my grandmothers daughter, had the nerve to tell me a few weeks ago, that when I called her to tell her some very tough news regarding my grandmothers health, that when she revealed to me that she was on vacation and she would call her when she got home, that because I didn't respond to her dismissive response with, "ok, I understand", that I was wrong and could have handled that differently.
Here is the thing. I responded with silence. She was on her vacation, in the states by the way, so silence was the best thing I could offer in that moment.
I wasn't going to say, "Okay, I understand", because it wasn't okay, and I didn't understand.
I am not going to be letting people play in my face anymore. I am not holding my tongue. And I am not going to be hand holding grown ass peoples feelings anymore.
I am also not here for excuses. An elder, now blind, handicapped person needs to round the clock care. Your useless words will always fall on def ears if you come at me with that bullshit moving forward.
I have already said this to her, and a few others. But now I am saying it to me. And I am saying it for me.
When there is something we are dedicated to doing, we will either make a way, or we will make an excuse. And my listen to the problems of others, and making their issues and circumstances hold more weight or importance over my own is done.
I am fresh out of, "ok, I'll put your needs over my own". I ran out, and I don't plan to restock.
Anyway, this is day 2 of me promising myself to journal my thoughts.
Holding heavy thought inside can do nothing but weight you down. I am not letting the actions and behaviors of others weight me down.
I am sitting them down, and then moving on. I want this year to be my greatest year of mental health growth. And I ain't gone let nothing or nobody hinder that growth and my continued healing. They gone have to get someone body else to do it.
Welp, I think that's it for this thought vlog. I will talk to you later. Bye for now.
STILL HAVE TO WORK ON HANDLING ME BETTER
Welp, I think it's safe to say that I might have over overstayed my welcome at this computer for the night.
I said I was going to work on handling me better. And staying up past the time that my body wants, is not me handling me better at all. So I'm gonna head on out.
If you read today's thought vlogs, I sure appreciate you. Hopefully I will see you again tomorrow.
May we both have amazing dreams.
Good night for now.
THANK YOU FOR KEEPING YOUR PROMISE TO YOU
I am so proud of myself for how the rest of my day played out. I made a thought vlog entry today at 03:15pm, and I was feeling pretty low.
I am that person who places every ones needs above my own. I am a giver. And I feel most alive when I am in the position of being of service.
The problem is, no one tends to make sure that someone is also giving back and being of service to me.
This is not a whoa as me sort of thing. But when you allow yourself to give to the point of being completely emptied out, and there is no one making sure your being refilled. Then you will not only become empty, but you will remain empty.
I plan to work on putting me first in everything I do. Not in a selfish sort of way. But in a selfish sort of way.
I did pretty much nothing but work on my business today. I worked on my website. I did some writing. Hell I doing some more writing as I write this. And no matter what else, or who else needed me, I prioritized me.
Today is just one day, but this is another day towards me putting me first. without guilt.
Fronten'a Woodson, I am proud of you for putting you and your goals first today.
MY NEEDS HAVE TO BE PLACED ABOVE THE NEEDS OF EVERYONE ELSE
When you put everyone's needs above yours, who is putting your needs before theirs? When you are caregiving for everyone else, who is caregiving for you? When you are constantly checking in on everyone else, who is checking in on you?
When the answer is constantly no one. And you don't even have time to check in on yourself, then what happens to you?
What happens to your physical health? What happens to your mental health?
My good friend said this is going to be the year she parents like a father. A good present father, but like a father nonetheless. And I think that is a good plan.
Parenting and moving like a mother is good for everyone else, but almost always is not good for the mother.
How long can I do this? Maybe for years to come. But how long can I do this before I break?
My Village Has No Elders
San Diego, California, United States
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